Frenemies Exposed: 9 Signs Your "Friend" Is Actually Your Worst Enemy

More Enemy Than Friend: The Subtle Signs of a Frenemy in Your Life

Friendship is supposed to feel like home, a safe space where you can be your messy, authentic self without judgment. But what happens when that "friend" starts to feel more like an opponent playing on the same team? That’s when you’re not dealing with a real friend anymore, you’ve got a frenemy.

I’ve been there. A couple years ago, I had a friend who would hype me up in front of people but slide into my DMs later with little digs that made me doubt myself. At first, I brushed it off as jokes. Then the pattern became clear: the compliments were shallow, the support conditional, and the "jokes" cut deep. Hanging out with her always left me drained. That’s the classic vibe of a frenemy, someone who smiles in your face but quietly hopes you trip.

1. Constant Competition

A major red flag is when your friend turns everything into a competition. Got a new job? They’ve suddenly landed something “way bigger.” You finish a creative project? They’re already bragging about doing something “so much harder.” It’s not about celebrating with you, it’s about one-upping you every single time.

Friendships thrive on mutual support, not a scoreboard. If your wins always trigger their need to "beat you," that’s not friendly, it’s toxic rivalry.

2. Two-Faced Behavior

This is the one that hurts the most. Frenemies are often sweet to your face but ruthless behind your back. They gossip, spill secrets, or twist your words for clout. Sometimes you only find out when someone else repeats your private story, and you realize the only person you told was them. That betrayal stings because it breaks the foundation of trust.

3. Jealousy and Undermining

Frenemies are experts at the backhanded compliment. “Wow, I love how you don’t care what people think about your outfits” sounds supportive until you realize it’s actually a dig. These subtle put-downs are designed to spark insecurity, often leaving you wondering if you’re overreacting. Spoiler: you’re not.

4. Self-Centeredness

Notice if every hangout feels like a therapy session but only for them. They unload their drama, brag about their successes, and barely ask how you’re doing. Even when you share something, they find a way to bring the spotlight back to themselves. Real friends share the stage, frenemies hog it.

5. Manipulation and Control

Emotional manipulation is a sneaky but common frenemy tactic. They might guilt-trip you into canceling your plans to prioritize them or sulk if you hang out with other friends. Sometimes they use exclusion, posting group pics without you, as a way to keep control. It’s not friendship, it’s power play.

6. Lack of Support

One of the clearest signs is their reaction when you need support. Instead of cheering for you, they go silent, dismiss your problems, or worst of all, seem almost happy when things don’t work out for you. A friend who secretly roots against you is no friend at all.

7. Betrayal or Sabotage

This is where the mask fully slips. Maybe they take credit for your idea at work, spread rumors that damage your relationships, or stir up drama to isolate you. Frenemies thrive on chaos because it keeps you off balance and easier to manipulate.

8. Gossip and Favoritism

Watch how they treat others. Do they constantly gossip about people they call “friends”? Do they pit people against each other or show favoritism to create cliques? If so, it’s only a matter of time before you’re their next target.

9. The Emotional Impact

The biggest giveaway isn’t their words, it’s how you feel after spending time with them. If you consistently leave hangouts feeling drained, anxious, or doubting yourself, that’s your intuition sounding the alarm. You shouldn’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells around someone who claims to be close to you.

Deciding Factor: Friend or Foe?

So how do you know if someone’s truly a frenemy? Look at the pattern. If the bad outweighs the good, if their actions repeatedly make you feel small instead of supported, then they’re not your friend, they’re your enemy in disguise.

Cutting off a frenemy isn’t easy, especially if you’ve shared years of memories. But your peace, confidence, and emotional health matter more. Sometimes self-care means walking away from someone who only pretends to have your back.

I’ll admit, when I finally cut ties with my frenemy, it felt weird at first. But the relief that followed was undeniable. My other friendships grew stronger, my self-esteem stopped taking hits, and I finally felt like I could breathe again.

Practical Steps to Handle a Frenemy

1. Trust Your Gut

If something feels off, it usually is. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you’re being “too sensitive.” Your instincts pick up on things your mind tries to rationalize away.

2. Test Their Loyalty

Before sharing something personal, drop a harmless piece of info and see if it comes back to you through the grapevine. If it does, you’ve got proof they can’t be trusted with deeper things.

3. Set Boundaries

Start by limiting what you share and how much access they have to your life. Boundaries can be as small as changing the topic when they pry or as big as refusing to engage in toxic conversations.

4. Stop Competing

When they try to one-up you, don’t play along. Celebrate your own wins without needing their validation. If they can’t handle that, it reveals even more about who they are.

5. Confront with Care

If you value the relationship and think it can be saved, have a direct but calm conversation. Say how their behavior affects you and what you need moving forward. A real friend will listen and adjust. A frenemy will deny, deflect, or get defensive.

6. Protect Your Energy

Surround yourself with people who actually uplift you. Spend more time with friends who clap when you succeed and stand by you when you fall. That shift alone can make frenemies fade into the background.

7. Walk Away if Necessary

Sometimes the healthiest choice is to let the connection die out. You don’t owe anyone unlimited chances to disrespect or drain you. Ending it may feel awkward, but peace is worth the temporary discomfort.

Why Cutting Ties is Worth It

When I finally let go of my frenemy, it was like unclogging a drain. Suddenly, the friendships I had with others became more genuine because I wasn’t wasting energy on someone who secretly wanted me to fail. It taught me that not all friendships are meant to last, and that’s okay.

The people who deserve space in your life will celebrate your wins, hold you through losses, and never treat you like a rival to be defeated. Once you experience that kind of authentic connection, you’ll never want to settle for the toxicity of a frenemy again.

True friends don’t compete with you, manipulate you, or root for your downfall. They celebrate your wins like they’re their own. If you’ve been questioning whether someone is a frenemy, trust your gut, it’s usually right.

Stay connected with more insights on navigating Gen Z relationships, trust, and real connection at Woke Waves Magazine.

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